Attachment + Memories, Creating a Archive Out of My Life: Blog Post, Photos and full context of work
“Mom’s Flute, a family keepsake.” 2019
This is my mom’s flute, she used to play it sometimes when I was a kid. It has not been used since she passed away when I was in seventh grade from ovarian cancer. I was 13, she was only 57 this was back in 2003 and this flute seems to have become a family heirloom of sorts. My auntie kept it and when she passed away after fighting breast cancer for 20+ years in March of 2017, the flute fell into my hands. When she passed my Auntie had 2 bedroom apartment and the big 10x10 storage unit which was full to the ceiling. At the time I had just moved to Portland OR and my Auntie passed away in Oakland CA. I had 3 days, a full weekend to decide what I wanted to keep and mainly what could fit into her Honda CRV that I was gonna drive back up to Portland. So most of my family possessions as well as my own I had to give up without much time or thought. I had 3 days, I called a 1-800 junk truck which was filled to the tip-top and paid 1200$ for them to take all of what made up my life to the salvation army. Almost two years later and I’m sad I didn’t have more time, I can think of things that I couldn’t find what I wanted and now are gone. Like my Pokemon collection, silly I know but I had so super cool and rare Japanese ones. I also lost my baseball and basketball collection in the shuffle of downsizing on a time restraint.
In Portland, I had a two-bedroom apartment and a back yard where I could store things. I made the move to Seattle to a micro-studio (the size of a master suite/ hotel suit) and I myself got a medium, like an 8x8 storage unit. I kept it for a bit until I found a studio space for photography and moved all related items. I then downsized to a 5x5 that I kept for a year and really till it became too much of an extra expense. So two months ago it all hit me as I was going through stuff again, the 3rd time of “downsizing.” That’s when I started to really think about stuff as stuff and people’s attachment to all the stuff. I think about all my mom’s stuff and how when she passed we just put it in the basement when I lived in Seattle as a kid. Then Auntie paid I’m sure a large amount to move all the stuff to California… where it was then just put in a storage unit. We always talked about going through and getting rid of stuff but never did. I had to pay a large amount of money to just get rid of a majority of the stuff… so again it just became stuff.
“Mom’s Flute, a family keepsake.” 2019
I think with each time I became less and less attached to things. But I also found it hard to get rid of things and that’s where I began to photograph the items. This brings me back to my moms’ flute and the photos above. I knew this was an item I was NOT attached too. It holds a lot of sentimental value and memories but I don’t need or want to keep it. I knew I wanted to sell it to someone who would put it to use again but then it made me sad not to have it. That’s when I decided to take a photograph of it. I would have photographic proof of the item, creating a new keepsake instead of keeping the object its self. This is something I had learned about in art school and that’s when I realized I was creating an “archive.” I will also say that I took digital photos and to be honest I was still not satisfied because it’s a digital file it’s still not a tangible thing. So I also took some film shots of the flute and other VERY important items to me so that I would have a negative as that is tangible.
“Most prized childhood possession.” 2019
What do you do when your most prized possession is broken? This is something I had to come to terms with. For one I never understood just how precious this little decorative piece of porcelain was to me until it was broken. Of all my childhood things, this was the one that was most dear. A jewelry box I got from my adoptive father figure (he and my mom were divorced but friends) who went to the nutcracker with us when I was five. It is something I had planned to keep my whole life and at some point have on display. I am utterly heartbroken that it is in pieces, so much so that I can’t get myself to throw it away. This unlike the flute which even though it was my mom’s. I don’t have an attachment to, the attachment is strong to these shattered shards of my childhood. It’s one of 7 items that to me make up my childhood, yea I was able to downsize my childhood memories to the attachment to just 7 items. Even photographed I can’t give them up, I have plans on moving out of the country once my lease is up so currently of my family and childhood I have 5 containers stored at a family friend’s house that I know I want once I settle somewhere again.
“Yellow Puff toy.” This toy has just been with me all my life, aka my oldest childhood toy.
“Police Bear.” This teddy bear was given to me by the police or CPS and was from when they took me away from my mom.
“Wilber the Pig,” My adoptive mom really loved Charlottes Web as well as pigs being her favorite animal. This was a gift I gave her and she named him Wilber.
“Snapshot of childhood.” These 4 items: Bunny stuff animal, blanket with bunnies, the broken jewelry box and my purple hat. All things give to me by my adoptive mother. They are the things from my childhood that mean the most to me and I would pass to my own family if I were to have one.
I am happy to have these photos and that through this process I was able to explore myself and the concept of attachment as well as come to terms with my own attachment. I am definitely becoming a minimalist but that doesn’t mean give up everything. I’ve had to go through this process several times, and this would be the 3rd and only this time did I really spend the time to go through everything of mine, my aunties and my mom’s. By photographing a majority of it as well as just coming to terms with that it’s stuff and I don’t need a bunch of stuff. I’ve gotten rid of a lot of it. I also took some videos, that I am piecing together to show the process I went through so that you can see it 1st hand as I didn’t take photos of all the stuff I got rid of. I should have at least taken a photo of my room with the pile.
“When you start taking picture of pictures.”
“Table full of photos.”
“View of the photos on the table.” Photos I took when I was in 6th grade with a point and shoot film camera. Before taking any classes on photography. 2000
“Learning to take portraits". Photos I took after learning how to use my manual 35MM camera and taking classes at “Youth and Focus.” 2005
“1st official self-portrait.” Taken when I was 16 during my 1st “Youth and Focus class” where I finally learned how to use my manual 35mm camera. 2005
“Cat Portraits.” My 1st series of photos I took at art school after learning how to use a Mamiya cc330 and medium format film. 2013
“PTSD.” At the time was called “Bipolar” and it was my final and most successful series of work I created in my 1st semester at art School in Oakland. 2013
Keeping memories, another attachment, even though I have the photos and the negatives I still ended up taking pictures of pictures. But it gives them a different feeling and context this way. Again creating another archive. An archive of my photographic work, were I started as a photographer as well as keepsakes and memories, things, places and people that are now gone.
So when I die I don’t think you will find too many items, things or stuff just a ton of external hard drives and more so boxes and boxes of film, negatives, and prints.
ar·chive /ˈärˌkīv/ noun
a collection of historical documents or records providing information about a place, institution, or group of people.